A Different Wavelength
by WanderingUnderMoonlight
Summary: Adrien has always had struggles, but when he loses his miraculous his life takes a turn for the worse. There are some types of pain you can recover from, and others you just learn to live with. Originally posted on AO3.
1. Happy birthday

Author's note: Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this fic. It's pretty personal to me.

Content warning: Thoughts and references to suicide are regularly present. The way depression is depicted may not and probably won't be identical to how everyone experiences it, so keep that in mind. These are heavy themes, and I am not attempting to showcase them either positively or negatively. This story is explicit in many chapters.

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Chapter 1: Happy birthday

Upon first glance, it was a day just like any other.

Marinette attended university classes at a popular school of design and fashion. The university itself encompassed many of the arts within its various schools, meaning she got to work alongside many different people. On top of achieving high marks, she sold commissions on the side, oh and regularly saved Paris from akumatised victims created by the evil Papillon.

Yes, all in all it was a pretty average day.

Except there was something that just felt kind of, for lack of better words... _off_. Something had been bugging Marinette since that morning and she still hadn't figured out what it could be.

It wasn't until she talked to Alya at the end of her last class that she realized. It was one very small yet very important detail that somehow she missed all day.

Today was Adrien's _birthday_.

"Girl, I can't believe you of all people forgot Adrien's birthday is today. Didn't you see him in class too?"

"It wasn't my fault! I never forget!"

"Until now you mean." chirped Alya.

"It must be because our end of semester projects are almost due; it's too much pressure!"

"Oh Marinette, relax. You are just too adorable sometimes."

Marinette could not believe that Alya was able to find humor in such a _dire_ situation.

"What am I going to do, Alya?" she pleaded, throwing herself onto her best friend's shoulder, the weight causing Alya to stumble back a little. "You've got to help me, this is a disaster!"

"Woah chill girl, just give him a gift tomorrow. It's not complicated."

Marinette's voice rose, "What? Tomorrow? I can't give him a gift tomorrow; his birthday is _today_. He'll know I forgot and he'll be so disappointed. He's probably already disappointed that no one got him anything and oh no he'll always remember how I forgot this special day and he'll never love me and we'll never get married and have a house with three kids and a hamster named—"

"Marinette!" Alya interjected, shrugging off her friend. "You're overreacting. Adrien is just fine."

"I can't just give him something tomorrow. We only have one shared class, so I could _pretend_ I just forgot to give him a gift, but that would make me a _liar_. I'd be as bad as Lila. You've got to help me!"

Alya repressed a sigh. It felt like near every day Marinette found a way to sneak Lila into a conversation about Adrien. Clearly she had a love rival, but so was Chloe, and Chloe didn't inflict nearly as much rage as the former did.

"Look, the three of you all decided to major in fashion, and as luck would have it, you all placed into the same university and therefore share some classes together. Eventually you're going to have to come to terms with that."

"It's not the _same_." Marinette insisted. "Chloe's dad obviously pulled some strings to get her here, and I can't explain but I just know that Lila managed to con her way into attending as well. You know what I think? I think they both enrolled in this school to be next to Adrien."

This conversation would go nowhere again if Alya let it. She'd lost count how many times her friend brought that theory up. Shaking her head, she finally said, "Alright, alright, so what do you want to do?"

Marinette grinned. "Look, I've got an idea. But I need your help. You'll help me, right?"

Now Alya did sigh. How did she always find herself like this?

...

Adrien elongated his stride, trying to get to the main entrance as quickly as possible without breaking into a run. He just wanted this day to be _done_ with. His father had been away all morning, only leaving another pen as his birthday gift just like every year. How foolish he was to think that _one_ year was anything other than a fluke. Further, he arrived at school just to be smothered by Chloe and Lila.

Chloe and Lila of course didn't tag team hover by his side all day just for his sake though, oh no. The girls were practically engaged in an outright brawl for his affections. Pushing each other as hard and often as proper decorum would allow, they each even had a few rounds of accidentally slamming _him_ into a wall or desk, even nearly down a flight of stairs.

To be clear, he did remember to grab onto the railing before his face hit the floor.

That moment seemed to be the tipping point for the day. During each class after that, except the short reprise during figure drawing, the only class he shared with Marinette, Lila smooth talked their peers into taking her side against Chloe... not particularly hard to do given Chloe is well... Chloe. But he couldn't even bring himself to feel sympathy for his friend on this day, as from that point on he dealt with an army of classmates fawning over him at all times that Lila could not be there herself.

And the touching, god there really was such as thing as too much physical contact. He knew it was possible but never thought he'd experience it first hand.

And it was all courtesy of Lila, for going through the trouble of rallying all their classmates together to "help" him with trivialities throughout the morning.

A friendly tap on the shoulder to ask if he preferred a red cup or blue. A casual slap on the back in congratulations. Brief attempts and holding hands from Lila, all of which he politely rejected.

Then, he felt the tickle of her breath in his ear. "Happy birthday Adrien. This day is just _amazing_. Don't you agree? You can thank me another time. Today it's all about _you_." Lila whispered, snaking an arm around his shoulder. He would have crawled out of his own skin if he could.

Then there was Chloe.

A hand danced up his back. "Adri-shoo didn't you miss me last period? Did you get your birthday present in the mail? I'm sure they needed two men to carry it, those slackers!"

Chloe was better in the touching department, which was saying a lot given she threw herself at him on a near daily basis. What she lacked in touch however she made up for in chatter.

So. much. chatter.

Like a buzzing in his ear that just wouldn't stop. What he'd give for five minutes of _silence_. And he was unable to turn away and ignore her because she would not stand to be one-upped by Lila. Adrien wasn't sure how, but she remained in his field of vision in the same way the wind somehow always blows in your face, no matter which direction you turn.

All in all, he did his very best to remain polite and constrained, even if he was screaming inside.

He swore that he never wanted to hurt anybody.

He just... wanted to go home.

Which is why he instantly regretted it when, before getting into the Gorilla's car after school, he snapped as he felt fingers grasp his jacket from behind to stop him. He was finally going home, and yet someone was trying to drag him _back_.

In an instant of panic, he grasped towards the car door, but the backwards motion of his body caused his hand to accidentally swing the door shut. His throat constricted and a faint sob erupted from his lips. The Gorilla must have assumed Adrien did not need a ride that day because at that instant he drove off.

For a moment, Adrien contemplated if there was time to throw himself in front of the car.

Defeated, he turned around to face the culprit. The mixture of anger and disappointment was evident on his face before he realized and fixed his composure, but by then the damage had been done.

Although it had been Alya that had grabbed his jacket, it was Marinette standing behind him who looked utterly mortified. Her shoulders were hunched and stiff, as if trying to bury her head like a turtle trying to hide. Her palms pressed together as she rubbed her hands while speaking furiously. It took him a moment to realize she was speaking to _him_.

"... and that's why you grabbed me, uh I mean she grabbed you. I, we, us thought you'd want to have a patisserie at our baked goods!"

Adrien didn't quite understand, but thankfully Alya filled him in. "Marinette forgot today was your birthday but she still wanted to do something nice for you, cuz she's cool like that. So she's inviting you for pastries at her parents' bakery." Alya paused, exhaling. "Oh and sorry about your ride." she added as an afterthought.

Adrien's tiredness was only exacerbated at the thought of yet another birthday "something", and his face fell. But then he thought about it again. This was Marinette. Marinette, who looked like she didn't even want to ask at all once she realized he was in a hurry to leave for the day. Marinette, who was always considerate of how those around her felt, and he was proud and lucky to be part of that group. She probably noticed everyone else doing things for him and felt guilty. It wasn't fair to her to have to take time out of her busy day just for his birthday. He didn't like that she felt obligated. His shoulders slumped a little at the thought, and he gave her a forced smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'd, uh, be happy to come along Marinette." he started, gaining confidence in his voice. "Would you like to walk there together right now?"

Marinette's eyes widened. "Ah yes! I mean, no way! I mean... well... it seems like you've had a long day already, so maybe...tomorrow instead?"

Before he could answer, his ride pulled up behind him. Natalie stepped out, holding a large tablet showing a frustrated Gabriel Agreste.

"Adrien! You know you have Chinese studies after school, why did you not come home at your designated time?"

Adrien began fumbling a reply when Alya interjected. "M. Agreste, it wasn't his fault, really. It was my fault. I held him back so that we could ask him to come to Marinette's parents' bakery, you know for his birthday!"

Natalie turned Gabriel's face towards Marinette. "Absolutely not! You will return home immediately. _There is no need to waste your special day at a bakery_; you'll spend it at home where you belong." And with that, the screen went blank.

The three teens continued to stare at the blank screen for a moment longer, until Natalie pulled it away and placed it back at her side.

"Um, well, I guess I'll see you in class tomorrow. Thanks anyway."

Adrien turned to his two friends, but then realized only one of them was still present.

"It is time to go Adrien. If you will, please get into the car."

"Wait, Natalie! What happened to Marinette? She was just here, I haven't even said goodbye yet!"

Natalie adjusted her glasses, closing her eyes with impatience. "You will see her again tomorrow. Now please..."

Alya nodded. "She's right, you know, Marinette will be just fine tomorrow. I'll go find her now and make sure of it." she winked at Adrien.

Adrien nodded a bit reluctantly, but knew Alya could handle her friend better than he could. He turned towards the car, ducking his head as he entered it. Natalie followed in his suite.

The car was warm, a nice contrast to the chilly air he just came out from. The days were becoming shorter as they headed into the middle of Autumn. Shorter, colder, more bitter especially when the wind picked up like today. Had he had to have walked all the way back home on a day like this, he'd probably freeze to death before he made it all the way back.

That is, if he _wasn't_ a part-time superhero who could transform and hop back home in less than 5 minutes.

Before the car even pulled out from the side of the curb, Adrien caught Alya running back in his direction, phone in landscape mode in her hands, and her mouth moving as if she was having a conversation. Curious, he rolled down his window.

"...and this time it's my best friend! I'm sure Ladybug and Chat Noir will arrive on the scene shortly! Until then I'll be keeping—"

Hurriedly, Adrien leapt from his place in the back to grip the Gorilla's seat. "Wait! I need to take down– take back my Chinese book! I left it in one of the classrooms okay see you later this might take a while I'll call you bye!"

"Adrien wait!" Natalie attempted to stop him but he already was in route back towards the school.

...

Marinette was akumatised. Of this he was certain, though he made sure to verify with Alya after transforming in order to keep his cover. Knowing she could rival his Lady in stubbornness, he didn't bother an attempt to convince her to flee. Instead, they ran side by side after their friend.

"What's her power? Did you catch what happened?"

"No. I only saw her jump on top of the school roof, but it has to be her."

"Are you sure?"

"Spare me kitty." Alya smirked. "I'm a journalist. I know for a fact Marinette was the only one in the area; and she had just ran off after a confrontation with her friend's dad. Honestly I can't fault her for being upset."

"I wouldn't call it a confrontation, per se."

"What?"

"I mean—are you sure it was meant to be a confrontation? Perhaps his dad just has his own way of saying things...okay nevermind point taken."

The duo stop running as Marinette leaves their view.

"I need to take it from here. Any idea where she might be headed?"

"Most likely the Agreste mansion. It's—"

"Don't worry. I'll find it." Adrien ended the conversation abruptly by extending his staff and vaulting after his friend.

After his altitude adjustment, he was in a much better position to get his eyes back on Marinette and, hopefully, locate the akuma before his Lady arrived.

"Where did she go?" Adrien looked across the rooftops and out towards the sunset. "She couldn't have gotten _that_ far—"

No sooner had those words been muttered, a pair of hands roughly shoved him from behind, knocking him off from his vantage point balanced atop his staff. He screamed as he hurled towards the pavement below. Closing his eyes and bracing for impact, he was surprised to feel the familiar sensation of string as it caught him and prevented him from injury.

Opening his eyes, he smiled. "My Lady, it's about time you showed up."

But Adrien found he was face to face, _nose to nose, _not with his lady, but with another masked wonder.

"Sorry chaton, but I'm afraid you've got the wrong girl. I'm not your lady. You can call me Master though. Master Marinette. Master of designs. Master of planning. Master of _everything_. And I know that you are not _necessary_ today. Or at all. So give me that ring."

Marinette's hand moved towards his own. And he couldn't move it because his whole arm was suspended by her threads. Trapped.

There was no time for second guessing. Adrien forced his legs behind himself in an effort to kick upwards with enough momentum to break free of her grasp. Marinette stumbled backwards, caught off guard. Capitalizing on his initiative, Adrien grabbed his staff and swung it under her feet, causing her to lose balance.

"Having difficulty staying in control there, akuma?" Adrien teased as he snapped the strings constraining him.

"That's Master to you!" Marinette spat back.

"Oh, how possessive of you, _master_."

"I'm only possessive of your miraculous, the rest is in your dreams my minou." she spoke solemnly. "And when I want something I don't hesitate to _take_ it.".

Marinette rivaled even Ladybug in her speed and agility, which Adrien was quickly finding out. She lunged at him suddenly and given their already close proximity he barely shifted to the side in time to miss the arms attempting to grab him. Time slowed for him as their eyes met, and he saw brilliant blue contoured by a pink and black mask. Her dress and shoes had the same palette, colors layered artistically in a way that would put his father's designs to shame.

Adrien continued to dodge her advances. He didn't want to fight. He didn't _need_ to fight. He only needed to locate the akuma. Which would be infinitely easier once Ladybug arrived and they could devise a plan.

As for the time being, Adrien was perfectly capable of acting as the diversion. He could keep her at bay so that no harm could come to his father or Nathalie, or anyone else for that matter.

He sprinted towards the rooftop's edge, preparing his baton to vault to the next house over. One house, then two, then he stole a cursory glance behind him to see that she was still following him.

Nearly losing his footing when he landed on the angled slats, Adrien couldn't help but turn to sneak another glimpse at his opponent. Similar to his Lady, Marinette... or rather, _Master_ Marinette's weapon had a yo-yo like magical string. Getting a better look he noticed the difference was there was a ball at the end, of which then was strung to a short staff, or even cross-like object held in her right hand.

Had he not been preoccupied, Adrien might've recalled a time when he played with a _kendama_ not unlike the one Master Marinette was using on this day.

On her next leap, Marinette disappeared from Adrien's view behind the wall of the house he stood on. Thinking she might be hurt from missing the jump, he acted on impulse to help.

In hindsight, he was an idiot.

A string wrapped around his ankle from below and jerked him down. Instinctively, he reached back for the ledge, which only served to angle his body and... wham! his head clipped the corner of the house on the way down. Master Marinette threw him to the pavement before she descended herself.

"Are you going to finally stay where I put you?"

Disoriented, he lifted his head at the sound.

"No ma'am." he muttered as once again he felt a pull on his ankle, dragging and tossing him across the street against the adjacent building. He cried out as the air was pushed from his lungs and he fell gracelessly back onto the street.

Marinette, seeing that he was unfit to escape at this point, began to approach him. She walked slowly, unsmiling, but not angry. Simply focused on the task at hand.

"So much like Ladybug." he said weakly.

Marinette ceased her stride. "Ladybug is not here. She abandoned you, can't you see it? She's not coming."

"Of course she's coming. She always steps in right in time." Adrien replied. "Though feel free to move a little faster my lady." he muttered under his breath at the end.

Adrien could only lay helplessly and watch Marinette as she closed in on him. He wasn't going to give up. Ladybug was going to come. He would hang in there. And if she was in trouble, unlikely as that may be, well... Adrien inhaled slowly,

...he would save Marinette himself.

Stealing his nerve, he waited until she not more than a couple steps away. He took the time to scan her body looking for clues as to what object the akuma could be hiding in. Nothing stood out. He felt a wetness run down the side of his face.

He was bleeding, _well shit._

Chalking it up to his head injury, Adrien couldn't help that he saw such a strong resemblance to his Lady. Her stride, her confidence, her energy... it was... it was... miraculous! It was her miraculous! That had to be it, he reasoned. When Lila was akumatised she had a fake fox miraculous. That might mean Marinette had...

"Wow, you must have hit your head harder than I anticipated. Your entire face is red and you need to pick that jaw of yours off the floor. I do _not_ appreciate being ogled."

"Wait, ogled? No you have the wrong ideahh—ah," he self corrected, "actually, what I meant to say is you have the wrong idea that I'm ogling at your body, stunning as you are of course."

She glared, and a giggle almost escaped him when he saw how her nose scrunched up when she pouted.

He cleared his throat and continued. "I'm just amazed at your wit, your confidence– you're amazing Marinette."

"That's Master Marinette, and of course I am! I can do anything I put my mind to, including retrieving your ring of the black cat. If you can realize all this, then just be still so that this can all be over soon and no further harm comes to you."

That was a surprising revelation. "You're saying, after throwing me twice by my foot, that you _don't_ want to hurt me?"

Master Marinette kneeled at his side and brought her face to his ears, whispering, "My minou, I didn't mean that, I only meant not more than _necessary_."

This was as close and unsuspecting as he was going to get, and so Adrien made a grab for it. His arm quickly grabbed hold of her weapon, but she was on to him. Without hesitation, she took his wrist and twisted, forcing his body to turn with his arm and shove his face into the ground.

"Naughty kitty!" she pressed down on his hand and he screamed.

"Sorry Marinette, I had to try—aie!, hh! please stop! Stop!" With each plead she pressed harder into his wrist so much that he thought his arm would break. "Please stop, _who_?"

"Ah, hah... it hurts!" he wailed. "It hurts— stop! Stop!"

_"Stop who?"_

Adrien couldn't think. Couldn't process what the _fuck_ she wanted him to say. The searing pain shot directly up from the hand she held to his shoulder and made him forget completely how light his head felt.

"Please, _please_." he stammered. His breathing came in short, shallow gasps as he struggled to cope. She had inhuman strength, and he was trapped beneath her, helpless and in agony.

"What is my name, kitty?"

Oh god, _that_. He grit his teeth together in fury and spat out "Master Marinette! My arm, you're breaking my _arm_!"

As quickly as she grabbed him, she released his wrist and fell unceremoniously to the ground in a crumpled heap. She oh so generously gave him a minute to compose himself, how merciful.

During that minute Adrien came to realize two things.

Ladybug still hasn't come.

And his other hand was still clenched tight.

Kicking himself for forgetting so easily, he opened his hand. In it held the prize– one of her earrings. Going at her weapon as a diversion played out perfectly, well nearly so. Yes, this looked just like Ladybug's; only the color was different. He counted his blessings and prayed this was the correct side.

Still short of breath, he stammered, "Ca... cataclysm." As if made of glass, the tiny piece of jewelry broke in half between his two fingers. A dark purple butterfly emerged and commenced its flight into the sky.

"No!" a voice yelled behind him.

Suddenly, Adrien realized exactly what he had done.

...

Marinette came to a moment later. She found herself far from the school and on her hands and knees, a sense of bewilderment and amnesia present.

She knew what this meant, and would scold herself later for being so careless. But for now if she was herself again that meant Chat Noir had—

As Marinette's gaze drifted upwards she saw _him_, Chat, her partner, lying on the ground but shifting his body forward almost in a panic. She quickly assessed that he was favoring his right side and that his hair was matted and stained with a deep red. Oh god, what had she done? His hand was outstretched as if he was... reaching for something?

Marinette gasped when she saw it and connected the dots on what he was attempting to do. If the akuma escaped, it could multiply and become stronger. But he had done it, he defeated and freed her. Now all she had to do was purify it, but she was not transformed!

"Chat Noir, don't do it! No!" she screamed, but it was already too late.

...

A person can only become akumatised willingly.

They need to feel like there is no way out, that there is no other solution. Papillon preys off desperation, loss, and suffering. Even if it is merely a momentary feeling, if the timing is right... anyone can become ensnared.

In Adrien's case however, his willingness came from knowing that he was in no shape to actually give Papillon what he wanted.

He was useless as an akuma. But he could play off his weakness as a strength if nothing else, and use himself as the target for Ladybug.

On the plus side, today she'd only have eyes for him... if she could get here that is.

He heard Marinette call out to him as his digits grazed the soft wings of the evil butterfly, causing it to vanish and his vision to cloud over.

For a moment, there was complete silence. Nothing.

Then, a voice.

"Chat Noir, I am Papillon."

Touching the akuma was like plunging head first into the ocean. A feeling of numbness, of separation, washed across his body. Deeper he fell, into this ocean of his own thoughts and emotions, all competing for his attention. None of them really succeeding.

Adrien attempted to ground himself, but what is there to grab a hold of in the middle of the sea? When he attempted to focus himself, it was as challenging as if he were trying to swim further underwater. The pressure suffocating him only grew.

But... if he allowed himself to let go, to turn towards the surface, well, then he merely had to let the current carry him up. Towards air, towards Papillon.

"Chat Noir. I know you can sense me. I can sense you too, you know. I see what you see, _I feel what you feel._"

He couldn't turn away from listening to Papillon. Doing so would mean diving back down in that hazey mess of his mind. So he listened.

"Your dear partner has abandoned you, left you to face me all alone. Tell me, what's that say about her... or about you?"

An urge to respond bubbled up inside him. "Ladybug has not abandoned anyone! What have you done to her?!"

A voiceless chuckle echoed in his mind. "How touching... if it wasn't so naive. I do not have your lady. In fact, I'd say she's quite capable of managing on her own. After all, how many times has it been that Ladybug had to rescue you? Maybe she's simply had enough. Enough of fighting. _Enough of you._"

What? How ridiculous. Adrien wasn't new to how this all worked. He was well aware Papillon was trying to use him.

He was stuck in Papillon's game for the time being, but he didn't have to play.

"Why the silence? Afraid I'm right?"

Goading him, predictable.

"She hasn't showed up. She won't show up."

His trust in Ladybug wasn't so easily broken.

"She'll _never_ show up..."

Fat chance.

"... at least, not before I find your identity."

_Beep beep beep._

As if on cue, the telltale sign of his impending de-transformation was made loud and clear.

"How disappointed your partner must be."

_Beep beep beep._

"You can't do a thing without her."

_Beep beep beep beep._ The sound became more frantic. Do something. Ladybug was counting on you.

"Ladybug knows she can't count on you. Because,"

_Beep_.

"You"

_Beep_.

"are"

_Beep_.

"worthless." Adrien whispered, finishing for him. Just then he felt himself being dragged back down under, though he didn't have it in him to swim back this time.

He was losing himself, he knew that.

...

By the time Marinette returned to the scene as her superhero persona, Chat Noir was... different.

Usually, once someone falls victim to an akuma, they transform in a way that reflects their new self. But Chat... he didn't change at all.

When she arrived, he was standing, staring silently at his hands. Blood still was present across his face and in his hair, though he didn't seem to either notice or care anymore.

He turned towards her, a faint smile present on his face. She shuddered at the eeriness of it.

"My Lady, you're here!"

He limped towards her. "What took you so long? Anyway it's no matter. This akuma surprisingly has me regaining some of my strength." She winced as he attempted to stand fully upright. "Now that you're here, we can finish this! What do you say?"

She didn't want to fight Chat like this, but she knew she must if she was going to save him. Marinette took out her yo-yo and spun in defensively. "I can't Chat, not like this."

Chat frowned, shoulders slumping. "I... but... " he paused. "No, Papillon was right." he clenched a fist. "You don't need me anymore. Maybe you never did. I'm sorry it had to come to this Ladybug. I'm so sorry."

Quick to adapt to his change in demeanor, Marinette called forth her lucky charm. There was no telling how dangerous an akumatised black cat miraculous holder could be.

A red rose with a black stem landed in her hands.

Marinette looked down at the rose, surprised. She then looked at her partner, who had a near identical look of shock mirrored on his face.

"Maybe it's trying to tell us something, don't you think, chaton?" she said quietly. He frowned at this, eyes clouding over.

Silently, without breaking his gaze locked on her, Chat Noir approached. His abrupt closeness forced her back a few steps automatically, until she felt the coldness of a wall blocking her path.

Cornered.

Hesitantly, she presented the rose.

He continued to look only at her as he said, just above a whisper, "cataclysm" and took it.

A single black petal drifted gently to their feet, covering the small pile of ash that formed there one moment prior.

Neither said anything, the moment too delicate and tense.

Chat inhaled, and then spoke again.

"I'm sorry, but I have to do this." His voice deepened and grew louder suddenly, taking her off guard as one hand forcefully struck the wall a hair split from her head, further enclosing her. His face suddenly in hers, contorted with anger, he bellowed out at the top of his lungs "Cataclysm!"

Instinctively, she closed her eyes and braced for what was to come next.

Then, nothing.

Marinette opened her eyes after the initial shock dissipated from her body, but no one was there.

Breath caught in her throat as she saw the last remnants of black dust waft across her view. Following the dust to where it landed next to that from the rose, she saw it. A broken ring.

And an akuma slowly flying from it.

She had a job still to do.

...

After dealing with the akuma, Marinette dropped to her knees beside what was left of her partner... and his miraculous.

Her single earring chimed frantically, signaling time was up. It hadn't even been 5 minutes, but perhaps that's what happens when you started out with only half a miraculous.

With as much tenderness as her shaky hands could muster, she picked up the blackened yet otherwise still intact petal.

"Miraculous Ladybug."

She felt her transformation drop no sooner than the wave of Ladybugs erupted from the rose petal, traveling across the area to put all back in order.

The ring included.

The holder, not.

...

Natalie rolled the car window up as a far away scream permeated through the evening Parisian sky. She then turned her attention to the person sitting next to her.

"Adrien, why did it take you so long to find a book?"

Adrien shrugged, fingers attempting to tug at a ring that was no longer there. "Oh, you know, I saw Alya when I went back in and figured it would be safer to stay inside until the akuma passed.

Natalie sighed. "Okay Adrien. But next time, try not to forget your belongings in the first place."

"Yes, I'll be sure it won't happen again."


	2. Walking together

Summary: Adrien considers his options, and Marinette plans hers. Some days are harder than others.

Content Warning: Same as last chapter; mentioning of suicidal tendencies and depression. Mood swings and being triggered by blood.

* * *

Chapter 2: Walking together

A part of him died three weeks ago.

Part of him was left behind– with no way to return to those he cared about.

With no way for them to find him either.

It had been three weeks. Three weeks since he had a restful nights sleep. Three weeks his dreams filled with the screams that filled Paris that day.

Part of Adrien wanted to come back. To return in a heartfelt reunion with his Lady. Sweep her into his arms and promise he'd never leave again.

That was how these stories worked, right?

If only things were that simple.

And maybe if he wanted it enough, maybe everything _could_ work out that way.

But... he couldn't bring himself to want it enough. Because, the fact was, a part of him wanted to stay dead to Paris, to Rena Rouge, Carapace, Queen Bee... to Ladybug.

He was _happy _to be gone. No one really needed him, in any case. Circumstances simply caught up with what was surely inevitable. It seemed the magical ladybugs must have agreed, as they always restored things to how they were _supposed_ to be.

This really was for the best. It didn't require anyone to disown him. No one would be forced to put the words together and say what was on all of their minds the entire time, ever since he got his miraculous. To say the words that Papillon had no fear saying. _You're worthless._

Yes, he actually remembered his time spent possessed by the akuma. He remembered it all.

He remembered how it felt when his own hand slammed into his chest. All of his anger, frustration, and self loathing concentrated in his hand. Cataclysm merely brought a tangible representation for how his heart already felt, and as such it welcomed the pain eagerly.

Ridding himself of the akuma hadn't even crossed his mind. But in hindsight, that would have made a good cover story if had he been brought back to life as his alter-ego.

He remembered screaming and throwing his arm in Ladybug's face, forcing her to react by briefly shutting her eyes and looking away. He didn't want her to _see_ her partner disappear. He didn't want her to _hear_ the sound of his heart as it stopped. He didn't want to scar her like that.

That look in her eyes though, right beforehand. It was a look of absolute betrayal. She thought that he was going to kill _her_. She thought _she_ was about to die.

How would he ever be able to erase that image from his mind? He probably shouldn't even be allowed to. The nightmares were suitable punishment for causing her such distress.

He only hoped Ladybug would soon find peace without him, and she wouldn't let guilt get in the way of the fact that she was better off without him. She'd be able to move on. She'd keep fighting the bad guys and saving the day.

As for him, well...

He might also be able to move on. Eventually. He just had to give it time.

_"How do you do it, Plagg, live for so many millennia and not, I dunno... not get tired of it?"_

_"You want to know how I do it? One day at a time, Adrien. One day at a time."_

Plagg may have been a floating stomach, but he could be quite insightful every so often... when he felt like it.

Plagg...

Of course, his small mythical friend was nowhere to be found when he returned back home that fateful day.

Even though it had already been three weeks, he still found himself pulling back his jacket to look inside. Old habits die hard, he supposed.

Adrien has since felt so alone.

Despite just turning 19 years old, he still lived with his father in that enormous, empty mansion that he grew up in. His bedroom may have changed since he was younger, but the rest of the house was just as cold as ever. Ever since he lost his mom.

God he missed her, especially now.

Adrien quickened his pace, turning towards the chilly Autumn wind in an attempt to dry the tears before they hit his face. He was able to convince Natalie to allow him to walk to school today, although he had to promise he'd at least be driven back.

Not willing to bite the hand that feeds, he agreed.

He was glad that his father allowed him the independence to go to school on his own when requested.

It wasn't even that far, really, and he enjoyed walking past the Dupain-Cheng bakery on the way there. The smells coming out of there always made his mouth water.

Perhaps one day he'd walk in and order something.

He just didn't want to be a bother.

Their daughter, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, also attended the same design school his father enrolled him in. If he came in one day, he wondered if she'd say yes if he asked her to walk there together. Or maybe she would find that weird.

He ducked his head behind his scarf, squinting his eyes almost shut, as a gust of wind blew in his direction. It was biting cold today.

"Oh no! My designs!" he heard someone cry.

Just as he heard the words uttered, a paper flew directly in his face, blocking his vision. He didn't have time to react as he next felt the softness of fabric as it violently knocked him onto the pavement, leaving him breathless.

Removing the page from view, he saw it was none other than Marinette resting on top of him. Her eyes were wide and her cheeks flushed. For a moment Adrien's heart caught itself in his throat.

The moment was fleeting, however, as she stumbled to a kneeling position beside him. Marinette outstretched her hand and helped him to his feet as she rose herself. Their gazes locked and Adrien wasn't sure what to think. It was as if his brain short circuited. They both stared at each other... probably for longer than socially acceptable, upon which Marinette realised her papers were still flying across Paris, and she abruptly broke off to collect them.

It took Adrien a second longer to realize what she was doing before he joined in chase after the designs that fell victim to such a blustery morning.

As he placed the final page in her hands, she gave him a weak smile. "Thanks Adrien. I'm sorry I was such a bother. You didn't have to help me with all this... it was my own fault." her eyes bore into the small stack of papers in her hands, as if she was silently also blaming them.

"No... it's not, you're not, I mean, you're never a bother. I don't know why you'd think..." he trailed off, unsure what to say.

"I was in a hurry to get to my morning class– it starts at seven thirty can you believe that? who does that?– and I didn't have time to find my folder so... I thought I could make it without..." she trailed off, noticing Adrien's watch peek out from his jacket sleeve. Eyes suddenly going wide, she groaned, "But now I'm so late I won't even be able to sneak in. The professor _can't stand_ being interrupted."

"So maybe he should sit."

"What?"

"Uh—nothing! I meant, well..." Adrien wasn't sure why he was so off this morning. Usually he was so comfortable around his friend. Maybe it was all this walking, it gave himself way too much time inside his own head. "... a joke, your professor can't stand, erm..."

He tried to formulate the words, but his heart was beating so fast. He was so dumb, he couldn't even talk to a girl, one of his closest friends, without getting all mixed up. She's going to leave him too. And why shouldn't she?

Marinette looked so uncomfortable right now. She pivoted from side to side on the balls of her heels, trying to keep a grip on her papers.

Tears pricked again at his eyes, but there was no wind now to push them back. His lip curled down into a pout and he said "I'm sorry for making you late. If I hadn't run into you—"

"Then I'd still be chasing my assignment all across Paris!" Marinette countered. "I should be _thanking_ you, for that. Thanks by the way." A dorky smile opened up across her face. Adrien felt a little lighter.

They both paused, neither sure what to say next. Adrien inhaled and made to say goodbye, when Marinette spoke first.

"Would you like to come inside? I mean—not that you _should_, just you might have class too and don't have time. That's why you were walking just now obviously ha ha." Adrien raised an eyebrow, unsure he was following, but not wanting to be impolite. "But if you have time you are definitely welcome. I mean, you _are_ hot— I mean, the food is not, err, the bakery is warm and it's frilly outside."

"You mean chilly."

"Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying."

Adrien looked at Marinette, then down at his watch. It was only seven forty-five. He didn't have class until eight twenty. He had left his house early because he didn't know how long it would take, and it seemed that he overestimated the distance.

_Should_ he come inside? He was just imagining a similar situation a short while ago. But that still didn't make it a wise decision on his part. This morning, and in this moment, he was feeling particularly fragile. Maybe it was because they hadn't spoken much lately since she was akumatised, or maybe it was because looking into her blue eyes brought him back to his nightmares. At any rate, he didn't want to say something stupid again and ruin the moment either. His eyes started to sting. _Not this, not now._

Marinette frowned a little as she waited for an answer, but Adrien felt paralyzed. He didn't trust his voice or his ability to keep composure. So he stood there and forced a smile and a nod, hoping she'd fill in the blanks. This he could do.

Marinette's frown deepened for a moment until she realized he was agreeing with her, in which case her jaw dropped slightly and Adrien wondered why it was so surprising that he said yes.

Side by side, the pair approached the entrance to the bakery. Adrien shifted so as to allow her to open the door, though in hindsight it was a store entrance so he could have done it himself too. He's not exactly winning today in the act natural department.

Marinette didn't seem to notice his faux pas however. Once inside, she called out a greeting to her mother.

"Back already, Marinette? Didn't you have class today?"

Marinette blushed. "Uhm well, I _did_ have class, but it's a bit of a long story. Adrien doesn't start his class for another half hour, so we were going to grab a bite here while we wait."

Sabine's eyes lingered on the two college students, before she smiled. "Help yourself dears." she said, and returned to work.

"Please sit down, Adrien." Marinette motioned to a spare seat "I'll grab us something. Want a coffee?"

He nodded.

Watching Marinette work helped him relax. He wasn't required to say anything, and she was so focused on her task that she either didn't notice or mind his silence. Some time to rest before starting his busy day was exactly what he needed.

Especially given that last night had been an especially rough one, he mused.

The times he didn't spend lying awake in bed until early morning, he spent having endless nightmares about _that_ day. Three weeks ago.

Usually he could push these intrusive thoughts to the corner of his mind by daybreak, but with he and Marinette virtually alone together... well... it was a struggle to say the least.

She had run away so _fast_ after he freed the akuma from her earring. Adrien wasn't sure he ever saw anyone so full of terror _after_ being rescued.

Maybe she knew that without Ladybug, she was still at risk.

She knew that he alone couldn't save anybody.

He never could, and he never will.

This train of thought was a downward spiral and he knew it. He needed to put the brakes on. He couldn't change the past. He couldn't—

"Aie!"

Adrien was startled away from his thoughts and tried to register what just happened. Marinette was holding one hand in the other, a grimace locked on her face. Wasting no more time, he strode over to her from around the counter. It looked like she was slicing some bread when her hand must have slipped. Both her and the knife were bloody.

"Marinette!" he exclaimed. "What happened? You're hand!" He could hear his voice shake more than was necessary given the situation, and he knew she noticed it too. Moving past that, he took her injured hand in his and guided her to the sink to wash the wound. Sabine entered seconds later.

"Marinette, Adrien, what—oh! Hang on, I'll get the first aid kit!"

Adrien stood behind Marinette at the sink, still holding her injury under the flow of the water. He was glad to be behind her, because he couldn't stop the burst of tears that came shortly after he spoke up. He didn't even know why they were here! There was literally nothing to cry over. Marinette was fine. She was fine. Why was he trembling?

"Adrien, I think I'm okay now. Thank you." Marinette kept her back turned, but removed her hand from his. At that moment Sabine rentered and Adrien quickly turned away to wipe his eyes with his sleeve.

"You really need to be more careful Marinette. Are you sure nothing has been bothering you, dear?" she inquired while applying a bandage.

"No!" Both Marinette and Adrien replied. The girls looked at Adrien and he smiled nervously, putting his hands in the air.

"Really, I'm just clumsy. That's all." Marinette continued. "Sorry Adrien."

He cleared his throat. "It's no problem."

After that, Sabine stayed and prepared them both some coffee and bread to enjoy with what time remained.

...

They left together laughing.

"So I said, if you continue like that, we'll both turn into pumpkins!" Marinette said in between giggles as she held the door.

Adrien's was smiling so big it hurt. "You're amazing Marinette. Expert designer, baker, gamer, and even storyteller. What _can't_ you do?"

Laughter settling back down, she replied "Oh, I can think of a few things."

"They must not be very important if you can't do them."

She smiled wistfully at that. "Maybe."

Adrien checked his watch. Only 5 minutes. He'd be a little late now, but it was worth it today. He could tell his father it took him longer than expected and maybe next time he'd leave even more time in case he ran into Marinette again.

He'd liked the idea of doing this again.

Saying goodbye, Adrien made to walk towards the sidewalk across the street. From there he could shave off a few minutes by cutting across the park and—"

"Wait!"

Adrien froze as two arms reached from behind and snaked around his chest, holding him close.

"Wh–what?" he whispered.

A car whizzed past him just then, only a foot away. He felt the breeze created by its motion as it passed by. He held his breath.

He could have died.

And yet a part of him was angry at Marinette.

On cue, Marinette dropped her arms. "Sorry. My hand still hurts where I got cut and I just reacted any way I could."

Jaw clenched, he responded. "No problem. You probably saved my life there... thanks."

"Looks like we're both kind of out of it today, heh" she laughed nervously.

He didn't respond.

"Say, would you mind if I joined you... walking to campus that is?" she'd asked hopefully.

Adrien wasn't one to let someone down on purpose. "Of course. You're always welcome to walk with me."

"Okay. I'll be right back. My bag is just inside." she darted back inside to retrieve her belongings. Adrien waited where he stood.

Staring at the pavement, Adrien wondered what _he'd_ look like if he'd been there. He's certain it would have freaked Marinette.

He was just having _fun_. He had just been _laughing_. He had been _planning_ to repeat this. Right now, at this very time, he was in a _good mood_.

Didn't people only want to die when they were depressed? Like, sad?

He shrugged to himself, not caring enough on the topic to dwell on it.

...

Their hands brushed as they walked, neither finding it necessary to move away, nor attempt to interweave fingers.

Adrien decided he should strike up a conversation. "So... how has it been juggling school and work at your family's bakery?"

Marinette looked in his direction as they walked. "Overall I'd say better than expected. Crossing my fingers a little but I think I'll finally have a place of my own in another month or two."

"That's great! You work so hard and I'm glad it's paying off."

"What about you, Adrien? Don't you want to move out of your dad's place?"

"Maybe eventually." he shrugged. "Honestly I hadn't even really considered it. I have everything I need there."

For some reason he couldn't place, Marinette appeared disappointed in his answer.

"But, er... that could always change. It might be good for me to stretch out with some space of my own."

She nodded in agreement.

The rest of their walk was quiet, but peaceful. By the time they reached Adrien's building, he was only a few minutes late. With enough luck they were still handing back yesterday's quiz and he hadn't missed anything.

"Well, this is my stop." he chuckled at how cliche that sounded. "Thanks for walking with me today."

"Anytime."

_Really? _he thought as his face once again tensed into a grim smile. He was a yo-yo of emotions today. But Marinette was great about it. He was pretty sure she noticed _at least a little bit_, but she hadn't pressed him on it at all.

"Can I hug you?" he mumbled.

"What?" Marinette wasn't sure she caught what he said as she had already started to leave. Her cheeks were tinged pink.

"I— I said, can I see you, again? ...tomorrow that is?"

"Sure Adrien, same time." Marinette grinned as she took off.

As he pulled the building door open, he heard her shriek to herself "Ah no! I told him the same time but that's when I was late to class! This is a disaster!" He laughed and made a mental note to arrive earlier the next day.

...

Before heading to her next class, Marinette took a detour.

"Have you decided what you're going to do, Marinette?"

"Shh! Hide Tikki, there's people around! I'll explain once we get to Master Fu's."

Tikki looked expectantly at Marinette as she jogged through the streets."I hope this all works out okay..." she murmured.

Marinette nearly scared Master Fu half to death when she slammed open the door to his shop.

...

"... so you're telling me, Chat Noir is, _dead?"_ He stared incredulously at Marinette who was sipping her tea.

"Not dead! He's gone." she took a deep breath. "I know he's out there somewhere."

At this, Master Fu visibly relaxed. "In any case, I can check up on him discreetly. Based on what you've told me, Chat Noir destroyed his own ring to free the akuma, but in the process miscalculated and used his own power on himself?" He mulled that over for a moment. "No... no he can't use cataclysm on himself in that way. Even with the power of the papillon miraculous at play, the most damage he could do is temporary until the ladybug restores it all."

"So, why didn't he come back?"

"Isn't _that_ the question we'd all like to know, hm?" he asked rhetorically. "The ladybug restores everything to its proper form. The only reason I could imagine him not returning as his superhero self is... if he really had given up."

Marinette choked on her drink, slamming her cup to the table.

"That's not true! Chat never gives up! Heck, that boy never knows when to quit!"

"Do you have a theory of your own?"

At this, she didn't have an answer.

Taking a sip of his own tea, Master Fu seemed to contemplate his next words. "We'll need to return the ring of the black cat to the miracle box."

"What? But what do we do about Chat Noir?"

"There's nothing _to_ do."

"But how will I fight without him?"

"You'll still have other miraculous holders as you need them."

"But what if he's in trouble and needs help?"

Master Fu's face fell and he sighed softly, as if reasoning with a child. "I know you care deeply for him, Marinette." he said, picking up the ring sitting in between them. "But he did this to himself. And given how closely _you_ came towards being the target, I no longer believe it's safe to have such powerful creations out at the same time."

Standing, Master Fu approached and unlocked the miracle box. He placed the ring inside.

"Please, Master, you don't have to do this. We can figure out another way."

He looked longingly at the few items still present in the box. "I wish there was something. You are a kind and optimistic person, something the world needs more of. But I've seen a lot in my time. I don't want to give you false hope but..."

"But?"

"... no. No I won't do that to you. I'm sorry. Chat Noir no longer can fight by your side."

...

Marinette exited the same way she came in.

Once down a few blocks and well out of hearing range, she exclaimed, "What does he know that he won't tell me?!"

"You should try to understand what he's saying Marinette." stated Tikki, emerging from her hiding place in her purse.

"Whose side are you on?" Marinette deadpanned.

"I'm on your side! But what if something happened to you, back then? What if Chat Noir touched _you_ instead? He was _akumatised_, after all. We had no idea what would happen. _You had no idea—"_

"I get it, alright?"

Tikki slouched, and Marinette recognized her outburst.

Extending her hands so that her friend could rest upon them, Marinette brushed her cheek against Tikki's. "I'm sorry, I guess I got carried away. So... what are we going to do now?"

"Get me some cheese! I want Camembert!"

"That's all you ever eat!"

Plagg flew out of the same small purse Marinette carried with her.

"My handbag smells like moldy socks, ugh!" She waved her hand over her bag to help air it out the best she could.

"Bring me back to my holder and you won't have to smell it ever again. Nice trick by the way." he added. "A handmade miraculous... couldn't have thought of something better myself." Plagg grinned.

"Thank you, glad someone appreciated it." Marinette smiled at Tikki to show she said it only in jest.

"So, are you still planning to search for Chat Noir, against the master's wishes?"

Marinette pursed her lips. "I know he doesn't want me to, and I know our identities must be kept a secret. But I can't do this without him."

"You've already fought two akumas since he's been gone, successfully I might add." Plagg interjected.

"It's not the same."

"What, the part where you not only defeat the evil, but rescue your damsel in distress to boot?"

Tikki and Marinette regarded Plagg with identical surprised expressions.

"What? Do I really need to say it?" he crossed his tiny arms. "Chat Noir is useless and he knows it."

"Plagg! How could you say that?!" Tikki cried.

"Well you won't!" he shot back.

"I agree with Tikki, what gives Plagg? Didn't you _want_ to be reunited?"

"Oh, believe me, I do. He has the best cheese."

"Is that all you care about?"

Plagg floated down to the top of Marinette's purse, letting out a long sigh. He looked down as if searching for something. Finally, he spoke. "Look, until you two understand how he feels, you're not going to get him to come back." he jumped down further into the bag. "And if you think your going to convince him away from his feelings the same way you just tried to convince me, I'll be eating lackluster cheddar for months. See you both; I'm going to take a nap. Call me when there's food."

Marinette and Tikki exchanged looks, then looked back at the purse.

"Let's go Tikki, maybe if we get back to campus early enough I can find you both a snack."

...

Soon enough she returned to campus, and with only one more street to cross, Marinette was feeling anxious to get back. She stopped at the traffic light and waited for the signal. It must be close to noon, given the jump in both vehicles and foot traffic. Time to get lunch before her next class.

A movement caught Tikki's attention. "Marinette!" she called out, pointing. "Isn't that Adrien on the other side?"

"Hm... Adrien?"

Marinette looked up from her handbag, back across the street. Sure enough Adrien had just appeared from around the corner, but he was with someone. Someone who was _really_ hanging on his is arm. Someone like...

"Lila..." Marinette grumbled under her breath.

From her vantage point, she couldn't tell what they were talking about. But she wanted to know. Lila was always up to something, and she needed to protect Adrien.

The crossing light turned green, signaling that it was now safe, but Marinette had already reversed position. A new goal was now in her mind.

Transforming quickly, she yo-yo'ed atop the nearest roof to get a better view.

Adrien had made to cross, but Lila grabbed his shoulder and held him back. From there, things appeared to get heated. Adrien was attempting to free himself without causing a scene, but she would have none of it. Their faces were close so she still couldn't make out what was being said.

She could swoop in now and rescue him, but he may not appreciate the gesture, she reasoned. So she waited.

Whatever was being said, he was _not_ taking it well. Adrien pushed his collar upright, slinking down into his jacket as she continued to invade his space. Both hands now gripped his shoulders. Marinette wondered why he wasn't fighting back. Even _she_ could see he was uncomfortable, all the way from here. And no one else stepped in. They all just kept to their business and went about their day.

That's why this town needed heroes like her. Heroes who _would_ step up.

"But it's not what _I_ want!" it was his voice she heard first.

"You're a hopeless romantic! Don't you see—" Lila's voice could be heard next, but became muffled as Adrien pulled her closer, clearly trying to keep this conversation between just them."

Just then, Adrien attempted to wrestle himself from her grip. Before Marinette could extend her yo-yo, he pushed himself off of her, but also stumbled into the street.

Then, he just _stood_ there. A truck horn blared deafeningly. He didn't even flinch.

Was he dazed?

Was he _stupid?_

Was he _high?!_

Lila looked just as stunned, when the realization hit that _he wasn't going to get out of the way in time._

Marinette acted with lightning speed.

Before he got turned into a _fucking pancake _on the pavement, Parisians watched as Ladybug miraculously appeared out of nowhere, saving a random idiot from being run down in the middle of the day. That was going into the Ladyblog.

Adrien did feel good pressed against her.

She didn't dwell on that thought for long however, not upon seeing his expression right upon contact.

His eyes were shut. His face relaxed, slack, as if his mind was elsewhere. Was he actually high?!

After landing, Marinette checked him over. He immediately crumpled into her arms.

"Ladybug, it's you. You— you're here. Oh god. I didn't, I'm not..." His mouth hung agape, eyes bore a hole into the ground beneath them.

"I'm so sorry!" Without warning, he launched himself deeper into her embrace. Marinette wrapped her arms around him, unsure what to do next. She didn't understand. She didn't know what was wrong or how to help.

Despite not knowing, there was a clear sense of urgency present. She needed to do the right thing. Adrien was vulnerable in her arms, not attempting to get up, no longer speaking, not even crying. He was just... there.

She held him tighter.

"Adrien," Marinette hesitated.

"I'm sorry." he repeated. "That—ah," he inhaled a staggered breath.

"Take your time." she said. "You almost were hit by a truck. You need to be more careful, you know? Have some self-preservation." he laughed, but it came out bitter.

"Oh, you're right. I almost did this time, I..." he buried his face in her neck. "I almost again... almost..." he trailed off.

"It's okay Adrien." she soothed, massaging his back. "It was an accident."

"What?"

"It was an accident. It wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't. Right."

Heavy, strangled breaths was all Marinette could process as they sat there, limbs intertwined. She hadn't forgotten this morning. This was the second time she pulled him back from death's door.

She couldn't keep doing this.

She had to tell him how important he was, to those around him, and to her.

Tomorrow. When he arrived at her place. Even if she had to skip first class to wait for him. She'd wait.

Chat Noir had never hesitated. Chat Noir never worried what she'd think. He knew how he felt and he told her. Every time he saw her. He told her he cared like it was the last time he'd ever see her again.

And then it _was_ the last time.

"Was that day an accident too?" he murmured.

Marinette did a double take. "What do you mean?"

"I— well, there's been no sign of Chat N— your partner, that is. I just assumed—" Adrien pulled back slightly, as she reduced her hold on him.

"You did _just assume_!" she replied, harsher than she intended. Such a statement caught her off guard.

"I'm sorry!" he exclaimed. "I need to go." he pushed himself upright, but his legs were shaking. Marinette didn't want to leave him in this state. "I'll be careful in the future...promise." he stated, looking down at where she still sat.

He turned to leave, gathering himself first. "It wasn't an accident." Marinette began, quietly. Adrien paused to listen, his hands balled into fists on impulse. "Chat Noir... he..."

"He was okay with disappearing. With leaving it all behind, even _you?"_ his last words barely above a whisper.

"No!" she insisted. "You've got it all wrong! He didn't want to go, but... he was trying to protect... he was—"

"Do you love him?"

"What, do I...?"

"Do you love him? _Do you love Chat Noir?"_

"That's kind of personal, don't you think? At any rate, I'm not here right now for Chat Noir. I'm here for you."

Adrien took a step forward, not looking back. "I'm in your debt, Ladybug. Thank you for rescuing me... again."

As he walked away from the scene, he could hear Ladybug's yo-yo whiz behind him.

Turning back around the corner, he saw that Lila had remained there, waiting for him.

Pulling him close, she immediately began scolding his actions. Together, they left. She was rambling on, but in Adrien's mind there was nothing but static.

The thing about accidents is just that, they are accidents.

No one could have seen it coming.

There was nothing anyone could have done.

It was nobody's _fault_.

Accidents wipe clean the slates of everyone involved. It puts the event into the hands of fate or god or the universe.

The thing is about accidents, they are easier for everyone to move on from.

That was Adrien's favorite part about them.

* * *

Author's note: Things always get worse before they can get better. Next chapter things get a little more... fun... for him however. ;)


	3. A restful night

Summary: For the first time in over a month, Adrien has a restful night's sleep.

Author's note: So I can't write such a heavy topic without breaking it up with some fun. Life's just not constantly one feeling like that. We have good days and bad. This is a good day, er- night for Adrien. Enjoy.

If the note wasn't obvious, this chapter is explicit.

* * *

Chapter 3: A restful night

Adrien's hand traveled to his mouth as he suppressed a groan, then trailed down his chin, before finally flopping onto his desk with a _thud_.

It was still early, but he had finished all of his work for the night. He sat in his room at his desk, legs crossed, still dressed, and wondered what to do. He should turn in early. Tomorrow he had an exam, and he still hadn't gotten a restful night's sleep in... how long had it been? Too long now to remember. The semester was already over halfway through.

He was plagued to relive this hell each and every time he slept. He was sure of it.

He had no reason to believe tonight would be any different.

Leaning back into his desk chair, he rocked gently... back and forth... and back... and forth... and he closed his eyes.

It only seemed to be once he fell asleep that the nightmares would come. Right now, while still awake, he could doze and try to forget his troubles.

Slowly, he began unbuttoning his dress shirt, fingertips grazing bare skin and he shivered.

He needed to get changed for bed, but he was pretty comfortable in his chair, so for now he just let his top hang open across his bare chest. He normally wore an undershirt, but modeling this afternoon required he get dressed and undressed quickly, so he skipped it.

Adrien was tired. As if to prove it to himself, a yawn escaped and he couldn't help but stretch out. His hand fell atop his lap and he may as well undo his belt and zipper. That helped him already to feel a bit less..._mmphf–_ tight. Better. A breeze wafted in from outside, bringing with it the scents of late Autumn.

Such a peaceful evening. The sun was almost completely set, leaving a beautiful red glow in its stead. Night would be here shortly.

How lovely it would look from above the rooftops.

His identity unknown, flying through the skies, he could just be himself. He unconsciously shifted his hand, brushing against his length.

He loved his time as Chat Noir, but like everything else good in life, it had to come to an end.

He rested like that for a few more minutes, soaking in the last few rays of sun, just... enjoying the moment. His breathing slowed and deepened, and he traced an outline up and down. He hummed.

Feeling a twinge of snark, a smile spread across Adrien's lips as he imagined Ladybug seeing him as his real self. _See something you like, my lady?_ _I knew you just couldn't resist. _He ran his fingers through his model hair and gave a brief _swish_ before letting it fall naturally, perfectly framing his face.

_Ha, like that would happen._ Still, a guy could dream. Especially when he had nothing left.

Suddenly he no longer felt like moving.

Eventually, the beautiful sun set, leaving only a cold night sky in its place. His only company was the faint light from the moon.

How he missed the sun already.

He sighed. Guess it's now or never. He should at least try to sleep. Adrien stood up, letting his pants fall to the floor. He rolled his shoulders back to do the same for his top. Clad only in his briefs, he didn't bother to pick up the clothing before strolling to his dresser drawers.

What would be most comfortable? Sweatpants and a t-shirt sounded perfect. He noticed an old pair he hadn't worn for a few years in his bottom drawer, wow this took him back and— suddenly he found himself blushing beet red.

Did he still have _that_ hiding in there?

A rush pooled between his legs and he felt just _a bit_ more restricted than before. Why did he still have this?

Quickly, Adrien dressed before coming back to the item in question.

He considered his...ahem, toy, for a moment. He purchased it a few years ago, before he met Plagg that is, and had since forgotten about it. He had tried it once, but he was so worried about someone catching him that it just didn't work out.

As for its initial entry into the house– somehow he had managed to buy it without attracting the attention of his father. Hrm... now that he was thinking about it, he couldn't remember what justification he gave when an unmarked package arrived in the mail for one Adrien Agreste. How livid his father would be, to know his son had something like this. An Agreste should be poised and proud. They definitely didn't put things in their... well...

Adrien cleared his throat, putting down the item. He really should get to bed. Maybe another time. He gently held the drawer handle and pushed it shut.

What would Plagg have thought, had he known his human friend thought of performing such acts on himself? For nothing more than sexual gratification? Plagg was pretty old... he must've seen crazier people than Adrien, of course.

Hrm... what kinds of things had Plagg seen... ?

Shaking his head to get _those_ images out of mind, he brought himself back to the situation at hand.

Because Plagg wasn't here anyway, and he never was coming back.

It was just Adrien now.

Alone.

Unable to sleep.

And maybe just a bit aroused. Though to be fair, that still didn't mean he had to use anything other than his own hand. It always did the job just fine.

It would be enough for tonight as well.

With that in mind, he walked to his bed and pulled the covers back. Sparing no more than one last glance at the drawer across the room, he got in.

Adrien closed his eyes and let himself doze in and out. He could feel the heat between his legs that wasn't going away despite how tired he was. He pressed against the heat through the fabric of his pants.

On quiet nights such as this one, Adrien could pretend that he was the only person who existed, and the four walls were all that there was to the universe.

He shifted on his back and gripped himself from underneath his clothing. A small sigh left his lips as his hot cock touched cold hands. The sensation motivated him enough to pull his pants down his hips, far enough to give himself room.

Soft moans and quiet gasps permeated his bedroom.

He was torn between wanting to just finish and get to sleep, and wanting to take his time, knowing he'd be tired tomorrow either way.

So he might as well take his time.

Adrien's cock ached, wanting more as he lightly ghosted his fingers across the tip. He trembled, the other hand gripping the bed sheets as he refused to give into temptation. A few fingers glided the foreskin up and down, and the back of his head sunk further into his pillow.

"Mmf... ha..." he breathed a sound with each tug and pull on his erection. Thoughts of the day faded to the background. He sped up his pace, switching now to use his entire hand, and his voice grew a bit deeper.

He continued steadily, alternating between moving fast and hard and slow and torturous, bringing himself to the edge.

Adrien backed off for a moment, removing his pants entirely since it had gotten quite warmer for him over the last period of time. Now he was much more comfortable. And still so hard.

His hand returned to where he most wanted it, and went back to stroking the same way he started– with feather-like touches and caresses that only served to rile him up more. His other hand disengaged with the sheets so as to cup himself, playing with his balls as he worked himself back to the edge. He whined loudly enough that had the neighboring room actually been occupied, someone would have complained.

"Eahh, ah... oh fuck!" He cursed loudly as he came. He wasn't prepared, expecting to hang on just a bit longer, and came in a hot mess on his sheets.

Groaning at what he'd just done, Adrien just laid there, a mix of relief and frustration present. As he came back down from his high, he sighed and made to stand up. The sheets would need to go in the wash. Thankfully, he was allowed to take care of his own laundry. No one should ask any questions if tomorrow he also washed his own sheets. He mused on this as he tossed them, along with his shirt and pants, into the hamper.

He replaced the sheets and then turned his attention to the fact that he was now nude and spent all over himself.

"I guess I needed a shower anyway." he said to no one.

Adrien walked over to his personal bathroom, another perk he was grateful of this evening.

His legs felt weak as his made the trek across. Part of him considered sitting, but he'd surely fall asleep in that case. He chuckled at the irony and pressed on until he arrived at his destination. Turning the knob to begin the water flow, he felt his body relax tensions he didn't realize he still had.

The room quickly filled with steam as he worked to clean himself up. Against his will, images of _that_ night replayed in his mind. They just never seemed to leave. Every night it was the same.

He felt guilty wishing for the nightmares to end.

Tonight wasn't going to be any different, but he didn't have to give in to the distress right away. He promised himself he'd sleep in torment later, but while he was awake... while he was awake he would let himself be happy.

The water soothed his skin as he washed his body. Adrien felt his mood already was uplifted, just standing here in the shower. He let the water wash away his stress, his troubles, everything. There would be a time later to deal with it all. Now it was about him.

He finished up after a few minutes and shut the water off. Towel around his midsection, he made his way back to bed. He snuggled himself under the fresh blankets, and waited for sleep to finally come.

But it didn't.

He lay there, naked, wide awake and still unsatisfied despite having orgasmed not even fifteen minutes prior.

Adrien turned his head to the side and his gaze locked onto the small drawer across the room.

The drawer with the... with the _toy_ in it.

Adrien swallowed and thought for a moment. He was alone. He was an adult. He was able to make his own decisions.

_He was allowed to feel good._

He still hadn't completely recovered from previously, but he had a different kind of yearning building in him. He wanted to be held, to be loved, to be... hrm. He let out a soft moan.

_He wanted to be fucked._

God he wanted that.

He wanted that so much.

Fine then. No one was here. Best time to try something semi-new, right? Adrien reasoned internally, warmth again returning to his cheeks. Okay, so he just needed to get up and go grab it then. Simple. Easy.

He lifted the blanket covering his body, suddenly feeling very exposed in his nakedness. Walking back over, he once again opened the drawer, this time picking up the object of interest. He frowned. This wasn't going to do on it's own. He moved to his desk drawer and rummaged through the contents, pulling out a small bottle of lubricant. He'd need this as well.

Adrien would be lying to himself if he wasn't feeling just a little self-conscious. Although it would be easier if he turned a light on at this point, he preferred to keep the room dark, illuminated only from the light outside.

Just the act of obtaining his items was enough to turn him on. His breathing was shallow by the time he made it back with everything.

He laid back on the bed and placed both the lube and his toy next to him. He then closed his eyes and pretended he was going to sleep.

He knew he wasn't, but doing this quelled the embarrassment.

After a minute, he reached for the toy. It wasn't ready, but he was going to work up to it. First, he felt it in his hands. Solid, thick. A quiet moan escaped his lips. One hand slid it's way down his body then, past his dick, towards his entrance. He slid a finger up and down, feeling both anxious and impatient.

"Ahh, ah" his voice cracked at what he was doing, even though he hadn't really even gotten started. If he was already this bad, how was he... ?

Needing more, he cracked open the tube and pressed some lube onto his fingers. _No one was here_, he reminded himself.

Slowly, he swept his hand back and forth, slowly sliding in as far as he could reach. It wasn't exactly what he wanted, but the eroticness of it was getting him erect again. But no. He needed to use the toy.

Removing his hand, he applied lube onto the toy and guided it towards where he wanted it. Very slowly, he applied pressure and positioned it just at his entrance, not yet wanting to go in. Just doing that felt so, so _amazing_. Adrien released the breath he'd been holding and just fell limp onto the bed. His arm almost wanted to stop, but then he wouldn't get to have so much _fun_.

He pushed the toy inside, slowly, reveling in the way it felt. It was almost too much. He started to move it, but then a small discomfort set in. He hadn't coated it properly, and now that it was inside it felt too rough.

Adrien suddenly felt an irrational anger well up from his stomach. He didn't understand it, but a sudden self loathing took over and he considered forcing the toy to move, purposely causing himself pain.

He deserved the pain. He should fuck himself to tears. He should...

He should relax and clear his head. Adrien didn't have any interest in pain, at least not tonight. Tonight was about _pleasure_.

He removed the toy and got it ready properly this time.

This time, when he placed it back at his entrance, he gasped. Adrien ran it up and down a few times before placing it inside him, writhing at the feeling of being filled.

His cheek rubbed against the pillow as he basked in this new sensation. He was going so slowly but couldn't care less anymore about what time it was or how long it would take. All that mattered was right now. Eyes half lidded, he slowly moved it out... and back in.

"Haah... oh.. ah—" he trailed off into incoherent sounds and breaths as the friction of the movement took him over. He alternated, in and out... in, fullness, submission... out, pleasure and wanting. Back and forth. Complete bliss.

He rocked and moaned on the bed, back pushing into the sheets as the rhythmic sound of his pleasure echoed for a second time throughout his room.

The moon kissed his face while painting his features with a soft pale light and highlighting his hips as they rolled in unison with his hands. He was panting and sweating and feeling so full and so hot, nude and in control.

His voice rose with each well timed thrust and his head flew back, mouth agape, when he hit just that _right spot_. Adrien buried further into the folds of his sheets.

He died and went to heaven, because this is what fucking heaven felt like. And he never wanted to leave.

Using the toy on himself like this just helped everything else in his mind to float away. And it felt so, _so_ good.

"Ah.. ... hah.. hh.." his mouth slightly hung open wordlessly as his eyes stared at nothing on the ceiling.

He pumped evenly, then with a bit more fervor. His hands started to slip a little from the lube, and a chuckle escaped him at how ridiculous he probably looked in this position. But he was alone, so there was no need to be embarrassed.

Because he really was alone.

_Shit_. No, not now. He didn't need those thoughts getting in his head, when right now this was about _him_ and _making himself feel good._

He drove the toy in with one hard thrust and gasped. Tears pooled in his eyes but did not break out. He caught himself off guard and the feeling was _intense_, but not necessarily... bad?

Let's try that again. He started off slow again, warming himself up like before and— ah! oh god, oh...

He kept up his rough, fast pace a while longer, murmuring incoherently to himself. _Please, don't stop_. He gasps when he goes in a little too hard— _oh...hh.. hah! _He was so hard, his dick begging to be touched, but his hands were currently occupied with his other ministrations and he simply couldn't bring himself away from what already was doing it for him. And _oh_, _yes_ this was what he needed.

His breathing became erratic as he let himself just stay in the moment, pumping again in a hard and steady rhythm.

Another pair of hands would be nice though, Adrien imagined. And not even for the obvious, hands to run up and down his sides, touch his neck, caress his face, hands that belonged to someone that was showing him just how much she loved him.

_Touch me, please._ he murmured into the empty room. Begging someone to be there with him, but not really caring that no one answered. A few more thrusts and one hand left its original place to move up his chest.

His pace slowed as his free hand roamed across his torso. Fingers grazed against his nipples and he whimpered. He longed to feel someone's mouth against his, rough and hot, soft and sweet, he didn't care. His eyes closed and he didn't try to resist the image that immediately came into his mind.

_Long, dark hair._ He thrust again into himself. _Beautiful bluebell eyes._ Another. _How her skin would feel pressed against his own._ Mmpfh god he wanted that. Just for a second. He was so desperate.

Adrien's rogue hand went back to support the other and he pumped fast and hard. Once, twice, three— ah! He inhaled sharply. Okay...he needed release, he couldn't keep going like this.

He grabbed his cock, leaving the toy deep within him, and started his motion. "Ahh!" he moaned loudly, without regard for any decorum. The competing sensations of fullness and getting himself off were indescribable. He didn't want this to end, yet he was working himself so hard he knew he wouldn't last much longer. But this time he was prepared.

Moans came out with each staggered exhale. His eyes were shut in ecstasy. Why had he been denying this to himself before?

He was close, but wanted to feel the toy again, just once more. Switching his hands, he pumped in and out as roughly as his tired arms allowed. A deep, guttural moan escaped him. He muttered under his breath, lost in his own world. _"No... I can't take anymore... ah... yes, fuck me harder that's good...oh...oh please, please! haah—!"_ Ready this time with a tissue, he covered himself before unraveling in a silent plea, sweating and panting as he rode out his orgasm.

The tissue only helped him so much this time, he thought as his hand over it quickly became warm from his cum, more spilling down his shaft. But at least it was a contained mess.

"Oh, my god." Adrien huffed, lying completely spent on the bed.

Boneless, Adrien laid there, recovering. None of his muscles wanted to help him to get up to wash the toy.

Eventually, he made his way back to the bathroom. He'd need another shower tomorrow morning, but for now he was fine.

Better than fine even.

Leaving the toy on his nightstand, past caring if anyone saw it tonight, he collapsed back into the folds of his sheets and fell into a deep and blissful sleep.

For the first time in six weeks, he had no nightmares.


End file.
